i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.