I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
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the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
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Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.