is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize