I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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