so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
