Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
