why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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