so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
