I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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