By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
