Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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