I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
