I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
