You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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