i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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