why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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