If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
