what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
