I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You need Xanax blowdarts
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
