if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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