If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
