Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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