Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
