I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
