He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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