Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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