Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You smell like a Billy Joel song
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
