i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
