Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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