i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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