I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
