the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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