this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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