woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
