i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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