My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
