I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
