after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
