I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
3pm strippers are depressing
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
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