update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
