you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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