so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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