I just saw a hot homeless man
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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