I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
