Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize