The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
