You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
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She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
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I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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