Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
