shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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