he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
