I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize