i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
