I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
