you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
