My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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